Holidazed and Confused

I'm prepping to do something this weekend that I haven't done in years! I'm actually inviting people into my home!

To put it in the simplest terms, my house is so embarrassingly messy and cluttered that it's prevented me from inviting friends over to just hang out, eat, play games, watch movies, or whatever. One reason it's this way is because things have spun out of control in terms of my housekeeping efforts. I already had fibromyalgia, which slowed me down considerably. Then, in July of 2009, I broke my leg and dislocated my ankle, which resulted in permanent (painful) nerve damage to my foot. Another reason is that we emptied out our storage unit so we could use that monthly fee to deal with other monthly expenditures. Finally, my husband and kids pretty much stink at things like picking up after themselves, putting things back where they found them, and such. Oh, and our dog sheds a lot. And the house is surrounded by evergreens so we're forever tracking in pine needles.

Anyway, I am tired of it. Years ago it didn't bother me so much that we weren't a family of clean freaks, because I didn't really have friends who lived close by. Now, however, I've got the most excellent gaggle of girlfriends I could possibly ask for, and I want to finally be able to return the hospitality they've all shown to me so often. (Plus, there's nothing like planning for people to come over to serve as a nice, big push to get off our duffs and clean!)

Naturally, I've got some major anxiety surrounding all of this. My friends are all generally neat and clean and organized and have mad kitchen skills. Generally, a meal served by me comes from a can, box, bag or restaurant. So in addition to fighting this uphill battle to get somewhat clean and organized, I'm also fighting the familiar old refrain of "I'm not good enough" that my brain seems to automatically start running on a loop when I'm feeling intimidated. Logically, I know my friends love me, that they are aware of my physical stuff that impacts the amount of stuff I can do, that they are coming over not because of a clean house or food but for love and friendship (and wine). That's what my LOGICAL mind knows. But it's that darn emotional brain that seems to be the most persistent. My emotional brain says I'm a failure, I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid, that it's only a matter of time before my friends "catch on" to the fact that I'm lacking and dump me. Part of this stems from perfectionism. I used to think I couldn't be a perfectionist with such a messy house, but I read somewhere that sometimes perfectionists can sort of throw up their hands and say "if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all".

I'm really rooting for the logical side of me to win this round! I'm trying to focus on what I can do, and trying to let go of the things I just can't accomplish by Saturday. I'm trying to figure out a menu that tastes good but is easy enough that even a kitchen-phobe like me can pull it together. I'm actually getting excited more than freaked out and weary, which is a great sign that logic may rule the day. I think I've finally got my menu lined up, too. One of my friends is bringing a salad or some sort of side dish, I believe.

Holidaze Party Menu (so far)
Appetizer - baked artichoke squares
Meat - apple bourbon country-style pork ribs (slow cookers seems less intimidating to me)
Veggie - mashed potatoes with side choices of fresh chives, bacon crumbles, sour cream, and cheddar cheese
Sweets - red velvet cupcakes, Starbucks Cranberry Bliss Bars
Drinks - Maybe try some Dark n' Fluffy or other mixed drinks, wine, sparkling juice for anyone not drinking (or to use as a mixer), and coffee

Think that'll be good enough? I hope it turns out all right.

Missing toddler Sky Metalwala

As we approach the weekend, I find myself pondering the case of  Sky Metalwala, who was reported missing on the morning of November 6. This coming Sunday will mark six weeks since little Sky was reported as missing by his mother, Julia Biryukova. Her story rapidly fell apart, yet there have been no new leads for weeks now. Mommy and her family still refuse to cooperate with the police. Julia seems to be in hiding. Meanwhile, Sky's Daddy is working like crazy, passing out fliers and asking businesses to display fliers in their windows. He voluntarily took two lie detector tests. He's staying in close contact with the police, answering any questions they have and seeking all sorts of ways to try and find his son. Solomon is trying to stay positive and continues to have faith that Sky will be found alive and well.

None of this makes sense to me. The last time anyone (aside from the mother and sister) saw Sky was at least two weeks prior to his disappearance. Days before his allegedly being taken from the car in which his mother had abandoned him to go get help as she had ran out of gas (although in truth the car had gas, as investigators soon learned), she and estranged husband Solomon Metalwala was in an 11-hour mediation session where they were trying to work out a mutually agreeable custody and visitation plan for Sky and big sister Mailie, age 4. Julia and Solomon had gotten in trouble a couple of years ago when they left a sleeping Sky in their car while they went inside a Target store in below freezing temperatures. They were both charged and had to attend parenting classes as a part of their punishment. Solomon has stated very clearly that it was the biggest mistake of his life and he learned from it and would never do such a thing again. Apparently Julia didn't learn her lesson, though, as is proven not only by her allegedly leaving Sky in the car on November 6, but also (in my opinion) by leaving the two children alone for about 12 hours on the day of that grueling mediation session. Otherwise, why wouldn't a babysitter come forward and say "oh, yes, of course I saw Sky just a few days before his disappearance!"?

The more we learn about Julia's past, mental health status, family of origin, and that she wanted to undo all of that work in mediation so that Solomon would never see the kids again, the more concerned I am that something happened to Sky on the day of the mediation while she'd left him alone with only a 4 year old to supervise him. Yes, 4-year-old Mailie did tell FBI agents specially trained to talk to children that Sky had been in the car "wrapped in a blanket" on that fateful Sunday morning. However, listening to Julia Biryukova's blog, it seems apparent to me that she knows very well how to talk to her children in such a way as to manipulate them and make them fear and distrust their father. I wouldn't be at all surprised if little Mailie had been told little Sky was just sleeping. Or, heaven forbid, that she was the one who'd go to jail if anyone learned that Sky was dead because it happened while she was supposed to be babysitting him. I honestly wouldn't put it past Julia to brainwash and manipulate her daughter in this way.

One bright spot in all of this is the fact that Solomon has not only finally gained full custody of Mailie, but was told that a mistake was made when the children were given to Julia back when they first started the custody battle. I just hope that mistake hasn't resulted in the death of Sky, either accidentally or at the hands of Julia. While I pray that little Sky is alive and safe and warm, as time marches on it seems less and less likely that he'll be coming home to Solomon alive. If Julia does know the whereabouts of Sky or his body, I hope that she will share that information so there can be at least closure if not a happy ending. And if she did, in fact, harm him in any way, I think death by fire ants would be too kind.

When "cutting spending" results in tragedy

As many of you know, I've been a long-time advocate of mental health issues. My ex-husband is on permanent disability due to his bipolar disorder (which was well-treated until insurances changed and he had to switch to a doctor who I personally believe is responsible for making my ex-husband into a man who can no longer work). My daughter was diagnosed with Early Onset Bipolar Disorder (NOS - Not Otherwise Specified), ADD, and other issues. I have battled with the demons known as depression and anxiety nearly as long as I can remember. I had severe postpartum mood disorders after the births of both of my children.

So believe me when I say that I feel strongly about the issues surrounding mental health insurance coverage, stigmas, access to treatment, and so on.

As someone who has worked for many years within the interests of postpartum mood disorders, I've unfortunately become familiar with those rare but tragic cases in which a mother suffering from psychosis has harmed her child. I've also tried to educate myself about other issues tied to the health and well-being of families.

A trend I've noticed getting worse in our tough economy is that there is more violence against others, both within the family and outside of the family. In so many of the cases in which someone goes on a shooting spree, or abuses a spouse, or harms a child, we find that the perpetrator of the violence is experiencing high levels of stress and very often has an untreated or poorly treated mental illness.

When so many people are struggling just to find or keep a job, struggling to feed themselves and their families, struggling to make ends meet, it seems completely irresponsible to cut funding to outreach programs, to affordable mental and physical health care, to eliminate or greatly reduce the availability of support systems in place to help the very ones who need it the most.

It seems that whenever our governments - from the national level down to the local level - need to cut spending, the first thing on the chopping block is the absolute LAST thing that should be cut. We need to encourage our leaders to offer support to those in need, not pull the rug out from under them. We need to reach out to our communities and ensure that there are options for those who are struggling financially, so that they can at least maintain their health.

Until we start making the mental health of our people a priority, start making mental health services available everywhere to everyone that needs it, we'll keep seeing a rise in crime. We'll keep reading tragic stories about parents harming or killing their children. We'll keep seeing suicides rise.

Without affordable, available mental health care, we take away what is already so hard to come by in these trying times - hope for a better tomorrow.

Doing what’s RIGHT, not just what’s “legally required”

There are some things I’ll never understand.

Trigonometry.

The fascination with “Jersey Shores”.

How anyone could catch a pedophile IN THE ACT OF ABUSING A CHILD and just walk away. Without stopping the sicko (and following up with kicking the living shit out of him). Without calling the police immediately to report the sleazebag.

Or how anyone who’d been told “I just witnessed a boy being anally raped in the shower” could refrain from calling the police immediately. Or demanding that the pedophile be held immediately legally accountable for his heinous actions. Or following up to say “hey, this guy is still around young boys, who he likes to anally rape, so why isn’t this scumbag getting a 10 inch dose of karma down at the county jail right now?”

Or how people can be so enamored with a sports team or a school or an individual that they will riot and destroy property, while failing to consider that the issue at stake is that YOUNG CHILDREN were victimized, failing to consider that the children who were victimized are older now and are watching while those who were in a position of authority are somehow transformed into heroes by, at best, misguided protesters.

I’m talking, of course, about the story out of Penn State this week. Maybe it’s because I’m a parent. Maybe it’s because I couldn’t care less about sports. Or maybe I just have the life experience that those rioting college kids don’t yet have, the experience that prevents me from feeling invincible and untouchable. Maybe it’s because I’ve had my own experiences with being victimized by adults who knew what they did was wrong and horrible, and I can’t help but empathize with the children who were preyed upon by a pedophile in a position of trust and power.

All I DO know is that I feel rage – white-hot, pure rage – when I think about how badly the victims (the children who were abused are the ONLY victims, by the way – not some awesome coach or some school’s reputation) were failed by the adults who they relied upon to protect them.

It really should go without saying, but apparently it needs to be said, taught to teachers and coaches and administrators, written by a skywriter, posted in every office and locker room, and so on. In case anyone, aside from the pedophile and all of his enablers and accomplices, needs to have some clarification, I thought it’d be helpful to put this out there in no uncertain terms.

IF YOU SEE OR KNOW ABOUT A CHILD BEING ABUSED:

1)      Call the police

2)      Tell everyone related to the abuser – his bosses, his co-workers, his family and friends – that he is an abuser and should not be around children under any circumstances

3)      Call the police again to follow-up

4)      Tell the parents of the children you know have been abused about what you’ve witnessed

5)      Help the parents press for criminal charges, find mental health services for the children, or anything else that may be needed in order to help and support the children who were victimized

6)      If the bosses, police, or others in authority don’t take swift and definitive action, call the damned press and have THEM lean on whoever in authority needs to be leaned on to do the right thing

7)      Did I mention calling the police?

Really, how hard is this to wrap your head around?

What horrific things must people in the sports world be caught doing in order for them to stop getting a free pass? Apparently, if you want to get away with rape, pedophilia, driving drunk, fighting dogs, spousal abuse or any other illegal offense, being in the realm of sports is the right career for you. As long as you can help lead a team to victory, by all means, let’s turn a blind eye to any unsavory behavior for which you may be responsible. As long as you bring in a lot of revenue for your school or organization, feel free to be as reprehensible of an excuse for a person possible.

It’s shameful that anyone would dare to say “aww, poor staff members who’ve lost their jobs”, while there have been (so far) EIGHT VICTIMS who have come forward to say they felt powerless against an adult in whom they and their families placed their trust. Statistically speaking, how many more victims have yet to report their sexual abuse? And how many more will never speak up, but will live with the fallout of being a victim of sexual abuse?

My health and how it impacts my life

I know this starts out on a low note, but gets uplifting at the end. I promise!

My health impacts my family every day.

My kids already know that Mom is going to say "maybe" or "we'll see" no matter what they ask to do later in the day or the week. They know this because they've had to live with a Mom who has fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, persistent nerve damage in my foot, and a tendency to pick up things like sinus infections and colds thanks to the compromised immune system that can be a part of the fibromyalgia package. They know that in the morning I may talk about what I'd love to make for dinner that evening, may even go to the store and get the ingredients, but by dinner time I will likely be unable to do the task and it'll be "fix your own dinner night"...again. I've missed most of my son's ballgames and martial arts events. I don't sign up to volunteer for school things because I know I can't be reliable. 

My husband and I don't get to do many things together because so often I just don't have it in me to go anywhere or do anything. He often is the one who has to take care of things like laundry and cooking, because I can't lift the laundry basket or stand in the kitchen for more than a few minutes at a time. I've nearly given up even daydreaming about getting a job - I wouldn't let anyone hire me, because I know I couldn't be counted on to be at the job at a given time on a given day - so I can't contribute to the family's finances. (I can, however, contribute to it's expenditures thanks to frequent doctor visits and approximately a metric ton of medication I take on a daily basis.)

My health impacts my friendships, too. My brain still believes I can move quickly and efficiently, but my body has other plans for me. This results in my often being late to pretty much everything. I've set the clock in my car about nine minutes fast to try to trick myself and get places faster. I have gotten to the point that I respond to most every party or gathering with a "maybe", because I just can't know whether I'll be mobile two weeks from now - I can't even predict how I'll be two HOURS from now - and I know that must be so frustrating to the person hosting the event. I want to be able to help my friends when they need it - help them move to a new place, or bring over some food or flowers when they're feeling under the weather - but I know when I say "let me know if there's anything I can do" that it probably rings hollow. There are so many fun things that crop up - day trips and live comedy and such - and I feel guilty every time I RSVP with that "maybe", every time I DO go but feel like I'm holding others back from doing all they wanted to do. 

Ultimately, when I'm having bad days (and they seem to be more and more frequent each passing year), it's hard for me to be with the people I care about and do the things I want to do for them. It's hard to admit to myself how bad things are getting, to accept it all. My mind still wants to push the belief that I'm okay, that I can make plans, do things. My body just isn't on board with that at all.

Aside from everyone else, my health impacts ME.

I've always wanted to go back to school, and I've put it off and put it off. Now, though, I just don't think I have the mental ability to retain what I hear, to learn things and process them. There's no way I can be certain I'll have the energy or ability to walk to different classes. Even if it was an online learning situation, I don't know if I have the ability to concentrate and focus enough to consistently complete assignments.

I have so many things I want to just be able to get up and do. I want to paint the little entryway a different color. I want to organize my office/craft room so I can sew and scrapbook and read. I want to be able to plan a meal and actually cook everything I'd planned to cook. I want to be able to stand at the sink and wash all the stuff that isn't supposed to go in the dishwasher. I want to be able to do a load of my laundry and put it away all in the same day. I want to be able to go places with my friends and be on time. I want to be able to RSVP with a "yes" and be able to follow through with it. I want to clean out the garage and clean out the clutter from the house and have a big garage sale. I want to be able to clean my house enough that I'm not ashamed to have people over. I want to be able to host a game night or a movie night. 

I want to feel better. It's why I keep my eye out for studies to participate in - so that maybe I can help researchers figure out what fibromyalgia is all about and find reliable treatments. I want to be able to think clearly and remember things.

When my pain levels are on the high end, day in and day out, it's so hard to be positive. It's so easy for that negative self-talk to creep in and take hold. During the worst of it, I worry about everything. I feel useless and worthless and hopeless when I'm in constant pain at a high level for days on end. Am I developing alzheimer's or is it just "fibro fog" that's got me thinking fuzzy? Do I actually have a terminal illness they just haven't discovered yet? If this is how I feel at 40, will I be able to function at all 20 or 30 years from now? If I'll be hurting this bad for the rest of my life, will I have to exist like this or worse for 20 years or more? Will my friends tire of my inability to do things and stop inviting me altogether? Has my inability to do things harmed my kids in some way? Will my family finally realize how much I hold them back and move on without me? Will my body always feel more like a prison than a temple?

So I try. I push myself to go out and do things if I'm able to move at all - even if it results in my being pretty much glued to the bed for days afterwards. I enjoy being with the wonderful group of friends I've got here, so I'll do my dead level best to hang out with them. I love going to sci-fi conventions and the like, so I'll go ahead and get a pass, even if it means I just find a room to sit in the whole day and not looking around and seeing lots of different things. I get online and research things, because I love to learn even if I don't retain it. I love doing things with my family, so I'll go to the fair with them even though I'll wind up planting myself in a chair somewhere while they go on rides and play games - I'll be "home base", a place to check in or drop off things they've bought or won. I'll keep daydreaming about going to school, and getting a job, and being a provider. I'll keep trying to clean the house, even if I only get one tiny task done. 

I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up the things I love or the people I love just because my body is falling apart. I'm going to keep trying, keep fighting, keep hoping, keep praying. I'm going to try to remember and live with the grace my Dad showed throughout the pain and suffering he endured in his last years. The scene of his lying in his recliner, eyes closed, clearly in pain, and saying "thank you, Lord" on every exhale sticks with me. It reminds me to be grateful for everything, even the pain, because it let's me know I'm still alive. I'm still here in the world with my family and my friends, able to enjoy them and love them and cherish them. And that's something worth fighting for.