Bullying By a Teacher - UNACCEPTABLE

By now, many of you may have read about the boy in a Washington state middle school who was bullied by classmates AND the teacher in charge of his care and safety. There's no "he said/she said" here - the ordeal was video-recorded on someone's cell phone.

At this point, the teacher, John Rosi, was reassigned to a different school within the Peninsula district and suspended without pay for 10 days, then placed on paid administrative leave when the community balked at what they considered a slap on the wrist. Not surprisingly, parents Randy and Karla Kinney are urging the school board to take bullying more seriously. What DOES surprise me, though, is the fact that people are actually showing Rosi support in the aftermath of this incident.

I have two kids in school, one of whom is an almost-13-year-old boy in middle school. As you might imagine, that fact puts a very personal spin on the story for me. When I view that video, my stomach flips. I don't care that Rosi wrote in a letter that this incident was "horseplay"; in my opinion, this is a clear case of bullying and assault.

My kids' schools have an established "zero tolerance policy" on these types of behaviors, so I decided to go to the websites for the Peninsula School District and the Kopachuck Middle School and see what I could find. Perhaps there was no such policy in place, or perhaps there was nothing instructing teachers on appropriate classroom conduct for students and for themselves. I mean, why else would the Peninsula School District opt to put a teacher who not only allowed a student to be "ganged up on", but also participated in the incident on paid administrative leave rather than firing the teacher the moment the video was brought to the attention of the district.

Turns out, though, that there is plenty of clearly stated documentation that the behaviors seen in the video are in direct conflict with the codes of conduct expected from students and, one would presume, staff as well. What follows is the information I found and thought relevant to the situation. It's a long, tedious read (for which I apologize), but I think it is enough information to support the Kinney family's request that this incident of abuse be taken very seriously, and to support those who are calling for the firing of Rosi and who believe he should not be allowed to teach again. The highlighted parts (emphasis mine) are, in my opinion, a pretty clear illustration of everything Rosi did WRONG.

Perhaps armed with this information, the Kinney family, and those who are outraged that a teacher was involved in bullying a student and got off with a slap on the wrist, can finally get satisfaction from the school district and justice for the boy who endured this ordeal. In fact, I support anyone who wants to share this blog entry with Kopacheck Middle School, the Peninsula School District, the Kinney family and the media.

From the Peninsula School District Student Rights and Responsibilities Parent / Student Handbook and Activities Conduct (not dated): 

Rights, Responsibilities, and Authority of District Staff  

All certificated and classified staff shall share responsibility for supervising the behavior of students and for maintaining the standards of conduct, which have been established.

All School District staff shall have the right to expect students to comply with school rules and maintain good order in the classroom, in the school, on the playgrounds or other common areas of the school, while riding on the school buses, on field trips, and at all school-sponsored activities. 

Use of force - an employee may use such reasonable force as is necessary for maintenance of order, self-protection from attack, and prevention of injury to others. 

Maltreatment of students - it is unlawful for any employee to maltreat or abuse any student by administering any unreasonable punishment or by inflicting punishment on the head of a student. 

Student Rights and Responsibilities  

Students who do not comply with the following student responsibilities will be referred to the Principal/designee who shall take appropriate administrative action resulting in discipline, emergency removal from class, Emergency Expulsion, Short-Term Suspension, Long-Term Suspension or Expulsion. The following acts are specifically prohibited on school grounds, on school-sponsored transportation, and at school events off school grounds:

The conduct marked with an asterisk (*) (identified as exceptional misconduct) has been judged by the ad hoc citizens’ committee and Board of Directors to be so serious in nature and/or so serious in terms of the disruptive effect upon the operation of the school(s), that students may be subject to a suspension for a first-time offense. 

*5.Assault/Threat of The use of excessive physical force or threatening the use of physical force against another person, including use of a weapon or other instrument for the purpose of inflicting injury. 

*14. Disruptive Conduct Use of violence, force, noise, light (e.g. laser light pen), coercion, threat, intimidation, fear, passive resistance, or any other conduct to cause the substantial and material disruption or obstruction of any lawful mission, process, or function of the school.   

*20. Fighting Intentionally causing or attempting to cause physical injury or intentionally behaving in such a way as could reasonably cause physical injury to another person 

*22. Harassment  a. Intimidation and Bullying  The District is committed to a safe and civil educational environment for all students, employees, volunteers and patrons, free from harassment, intimidation or bullying. "Harassment, intimidation or bullying” means any intentional written, verbal, or physical act, including but not limited to one shown to be motivated by any characteristic in RCW 9A.36.080(3), (race, color, religion, ancestry, national origin, gender, sexual orientation or mental or physical disability), or other distinguishing characteristics, when the intentional written, verbal, or physical act:Physically harms a student or damages the student’s property; or has the effect of substantially interfering with a student’s education; or is so severe, persistent, or pervasive that it creates an intimidating or threatening educational environment; or has the effect of substantially disrupting the orderly operation of the school.

Note: ‘Student Harassment’ (commonly referred to as “bullying”) means a knowing and willful course of conduct by a student directed at another specific student (or students) which seriously alarms, annoys, harasses, or is detrimental to the harassed student(s) and which serves no legitimate or lawful purpose. The course of conduct shall be such as would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotional distress, and shall actually cause substantial emotional distress to the student. The term “course of conduct” means a pattern of conduct composed of a series of acts over a period of time, however short, evidencing a continuity of purpose. “Course of conduct” may include sending an electronic communication. Constitutionally protected speech or expression is not included within the meaning of “course of conduct.” 

*28. Intimidation To force into or deter from some action by inducing fear. 

38. Simple Assault (deleted from secondary) Unwelcomed touching or application of undue force to another person.

From the Learning & Teaching Standards for Quality Professional Practice rubric (dated  September 22, 2009):    

Classroom Management & Student Discipline 

Unsatisfactory - Staff does not respond to misbehavior or does so in a negative manner. 

Environment  

Unsatisfactory - Student interactions are characterized by conflict, sarcasm, or put-downs.
The classroom is not safe and fails to support the learning environment.

From the Peninsula School District's "Harassment, Intimidation, or Bullying (HIB) Incident Reporting Form (dated December 2011): 

Definitions Harassment, intimidation, or bullying is an intentional [...] physical act that 

- Physically harms a student, or 

- Is so severe, persistent or pervasive that it creates an intimidating or threatening educational environment 

The aggressor may be another student or it may be an adult member of the district or school staff. 

(Some of the boxes to check when describing the aggressor(s) behavior includes:)

• Hitting, kicking, shoving, spitting, hair pulling or throwing something at the targeted student(s)

• Getting another person to hit or harm the targeted student(s)

• Teasing, name calling, making critical remarks or threatening...

• Making rude and/or threatening gestures

• Making the targeted student(s) fearful

Adulthood - do I have unreasonable expectations about this?

I realize that by writing this post I am, in a sense, doing precisely what I'm about to rail against. However, these issues continue to swirl around in my mind and I've got to find a way to let it out. I've got far more important things to think about than immature drama. I'll be using real initials of real people, so I'm certain I'll get some backlash, but as some of those involved refuse to stop the drama anyway, I don't guess it'll make any difference.

If you don't have time to read the whole blog, here's the gist of it: 

• We are all (supposedly) adults. If you don't want to approve a friend request, just click "no thanks". Don't be childish and ask someone else to deliver the news for you. That's cowardly, it pulls others into drama you created the moment you asked someone else to do the talking for you (which is a shitty thing to do to a friend), and it's just plain stupid.
• An ADULT alternative to this sort of drama is to speak for yourself. If you're not the confrontational sort, just a simple "sorry, but I can't" will suffice. If you are more mature and have an issue with someone, the ADULT thing to do is speak directly to that someone and say "here is the problem as I see it". Yes, that can be an intimidating, hard thing to do, but it speaks VOLUMES about your sincerity and your maturity.

I guess I'm just naive, but I truly thought (at 41 freaking years old) I'd left the elementary school drama far behind. You know, the whole "I'm not talking to Jane, so can you tell Jane I said ___?" thing, rather than just speaking for yourself and not dragging others through a bunch of self-made b.s.? Unfortunately, I was very wrong.

First, here's some back-story about one of these recent drama incidents:

Recently a woman I've known for many years, C.H., created a group on Facebook with (it appeared initially) the best of intentions. In this group, she stated, she wanted to create a safe place for a small number of women to express themselves in an authentic manner. In this group, she proclaimed that she wanted to learn how to sit quietly with her feelings, to learn how to address some of the issues that continued to crop up in her life, and to allow the other members she hand-picked to do the same. In essence, it appeared she created this place as a way for her to improve her life as well as to offer a place where others could learn and grow.

Having known her for so long - having, in fact, even worked with her in a sense - I immediately had a feeling of hoping for the best but expecting the worst. While she is a woman who has been through many hardships and survived them, she is also (in my opinion) a woman who is very ill. Given my personal experiences and education on the subject, it is my strong belief that she has untreated ultra-rapid-cycling bipolar disorder.

Initially, things started out well. This small group of women got to know each other a bit better and new friendships were formed. Soon, however, drama started cropping up, and most of it had C.H. at its center. She would post about some pretty erratic behaviors, then become upset if other members didn't respond with support for her inappropriate behaviors or didn't respond at all. Some days, she absolutely flooded the group with post after post, creating new ones when she didn't get the responses she wanted.

C.H. has a history of deleting her Facebook profile, and so I and a another mutual friend (J.B.) tried to gently but firmly remind her that if she deleted her account, the group and all of the connections and wonderful discussions would vanish. C.H. also has a history of deleting comments or entire posts, thereby attempting to "rewrite history". Both J.B. and I began sending out friend requests to all of the members of the group, preparing ourselves for C.H.'s inevitable deterioration.

Things quickly went downhill. Dealing with C.H. became the source of ongoing drama. Some women limited their postings to cute photos or uplifting quotes, but stopped sharing much of their "real selves". Others (myself included) tried in vain to be peacemakers or simply walked around on eggshells. This push-pull emotional roller coaster began to feel like abuse. There would be a day or two when C.H. was kind, thoughtful, and open. Then, something would "set her off" and the group watched as she would bring up old hurts, state that apologies made for any upset wasn't the "right" apology, and otherwise take everyone on a bumpy ride through Anger Town. I can't speak for the others, but as for me, I cried almost daily thanks to the building drama. I ruminated about what I could have said differently, about what ways I could have eased tensions. I felt like an emotionally battered woman, trying to figure out what I'd done to get punched so I could try to avoid getting punched again.

A couple of weeks ago, things came to a head. C.H. had, once again, been just - and I'm sorry for the expression, but it fits - off her freaking rocker. I couldn't take it any longer. My friend J.B. called me and couldn't even understand me through the sobs and gasps for air - she'd caught me in the middle of a building panic attack. I was in the process of writing a post indicating that as much as I had come to like some of the members there, the drama was having an incredibly negative impact on me and I wanted to let them know that while I'd enjoy remaining Facebook friends I could no longer remain in such a volatile group.

J.B. is my best friend, and she is a pit bull, mama bear type when someone she loves has been hurt. C.H. had been picking, picking, picking for WEEKS, holding J.B. up as a villain. J.B. has a long fuse, but hearing the pain in my voice was the last straw in a metric ton of emotional straws. She went, in basic terms, batshit crazy on C.H. She finally called C.H. out on a lot of her issues. I was having a yard sale that weekend, attempting to make a little money and get rid of some things, so I missed out on the whole back and forth between J.B. and C.H.

I logged back in later that Sunday evening to formally remove myself from the group as I'd stated I'd be doing. The first thing I saw was that I'd been made an administrator of the group! So was J.B.

C.H. had removed herself from the group. Um...what!?!

I started reading through things and catching up on the latest drama. J.B. was already apologizing to the group for losing it, and there were a few women who let her know that they understood that she'd been pushed and pushed and pushed by C.H. and were kind of amazed it took as long as it did for her to fight back.

Still with me? AMAZING! Okay, so we're pretty much caught up with the back story.

Naturally, after this roller coaster, some people removed themselves from the group. Some stayed but remained quiet. Then came the behind-the-scenes, note-passing, childish bull that drives me nuts.

One of the former members both J.B. and I had sent a friend request to (we'd both found her to be intelligent, interesting, and one who'd tried to combat the drama with uplifting posts), had told C.H. she didn't want to approve our friend requests, and had C.H. relay the message to J.B. and I through a mutual friend. So this woman, L., couldn't just click "no"? She had to do the "I'm not talking to her, so YOU tell her blah blah blah" thing?

One of the women who'd stayed with the group but had remained silent apparently started "reporting" on the goings on in the group to C.H. Now, this group was supposed to be a safe, PRIVATE, space - and people were passing along information to a non-member? Not! Cool!

During all of this, C.H. was having second thoughts about handing over the group, and started letting us know (through the same mutual friend) that we'd "hijacked" it, that we'd "stolen" the group from her. She continued to make requests/demands (remove certain posts, give the group back to her, etc.).

Here's the thing. If you and I have a problem, just talk to me. I recently had a really difficult discussion with a good friend of mine. She said some things that were hard and uncomfortable to say, and that were hard to hear. Yet she had the maturity, and the kindness, to express her thoughts and feelings to me directly in as kind and gentle a way as she could manage. It would've been SO EASY for her to just slide it under the rug, or avoid me, or have someone else tell me what she wanted to say. But instead, this friend made the effort to carve out some time so we could sit together privately, and she talked with me directly. It was hard - for both of us - but I respect and appreciate the fact that she conducted herself as a mature adult, and it makes me respect her all the more for the efforts she made.

Back to the C.H. drama. I've done my best to maintain myself with her. I've wished her nothing but wellness and good. I wasn't even online during the big showdown between C.H. and J.B. I've made myself available to her - she knows how to contact me via email and phone. But because when she asked me why I hadn't responded to her post about her very inappropriate, unhealthy behavior, I honestly stated that I didn't know what to say because I didn't agree with her actions, I'm now an enemy. I truly hope C.H. gets evaluated for ultra-rapid-cycling bipolar disorder, but she has gotten VERY angry whenever that's been suggested.

I only expect adults to either be direct, or to just remain silent if they are afraid of confrontation. What makes me angry is when other people are put in the unenviable situation of being dragged into the middle of something that need not involve them.

Let's break this down into really simple terms by using "dos and don'ts" examples:

I've sent you a friend request on Facebook and you don't want to be my friend.
     DO click on the "no thanks" button
     DO, if you have a problem with my request and want me to know that, speak with me directly.
     DO NOT contact a mutual friend and make them be stuck in the middle as the messenger.
I've sent you an invitation on Facebook to join a group, and you are not interested in joining.
     DO click on the "no thanks" button
     DO, if you have a problem with being invited and want me to know that, speak with me directly.
     DO NOT contact a mutual friend and drag them into the middle by making them your messenger.

How hard is this concept to grasp? I mean, really? How old are we again? My 11 year old knows better, for crying out loud.

I've got PLENTY of drama in my life that I need to focus on, including little things like:

• my children struggling in school academically or socially/emotionally
• my family dealing with losing the only home my son has ever known and the only one my daughter truly knows
• my family not knowing where, or even being able to look for until this house sells, we will "land"
• my family dealing with the massive medical bills that have been incurred over the last 2 1/2 years
• my health challenges that include (but aren't limited to) constant pain, memory problems, and enough medications to call breakfast on their own
• my husband's recently being the victim of a sleeping driver wrecking his car (and totaling hers - it's a miracle she's okay)
• my daily struggle against worsening depression

So please, alleged "adults", just STOP with the freaking drama already. In other words, can we all please just grow the hell up?

Holidazed and Confused

I'm prepping to do something this weekend that I haven't done in years! I'm actually inviting people into my home!

To put it in the simplest terms, my house is so embarrassingly messy and cluttered that it's prevented me from inviting friends over to just hang out, eat, play games, watch movies, or whatever. One reason it's this way is because things have spun out of control in terms of my housekeeping efforts. I already had fibromyalgia, which slowed me down considerably. Then, in July of 2009, I broke my leg and dislocated my ankle, which resulted in permanent (painful) nerve damage to my foot. Another reason is that we emptied out our storage unit so we could use that monthly fee to deal with other monthly expenditures. Finally, my husband and kids pretty much stink at things like picking up after themselves, putting things back where they found them, and such. Oh, and our dog sheds a lot. And the house is surrounded by evergreens so we're forever tracking in pine needles.

Anyway, I am tired of it. Years ago it didn't bother me so much that we weren't a family of clean freaks, because I didn't really have friends who lived close by. Now, however, I've got the most excellent gaggle of girlfriends I could possibly ask for, and I want to finally be able to return the hospitality they've all shown to me so often. (Plus, there's nothing like planning for people to come over to serve as a nice, big push to get off our duffs and clean!)

Naturally, I've got some major anxiety surrounding all of this. My friends are all generally neat and clean and organized and have mad kitchen skills. Generally, a meal served by me comes from a can, box, bag or restaurant. So in addition to fighting this uphill battle to get somewhat clean and organized, I'm also fighting the familiar old refrain of "I'm not good enough" that my brain seems to automatically start running on a loop when I'm feeling intimidated. Logically, I know my friends love me, that they are aware of my physical stuff that impacts the amount of stuff I can do, that they are coming over not because of a clean house or food but for love and friendship (and wine). That's what my LOGICAL mind knows. But it's that darn emotional brain that seems to be the most persistent. My emotional brain says I'm a failure, I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid, that it's only a matter of time before my friends "catch on" to the fact that I'm lacking and dump me. Part of this stems from perfectionism. I used to think I couldn't be a perfectionist with such a messy house, but I read somewhere that sometimes perfectionists can sort of throw up their hands and say "if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all".

I'm really rooting for the logical side of me to win this round! I'm trying to focus on what I can do, and trying to let go of the things I just can't accomplish by Saturday. I'm trying to figure out a menu that tastes good but is easy enough that even a kitchen-phobe like me can pull it together. I'm actually getting excited more than freaked out and weary, which is a great sign that logic may rule the day. I think I've finally got my menu lined up, too. One of my friends is bringing a salad or some sort of side dish, I believe.

Holidaze Party Menu (so far)
Appetizer - baked artichoke squares
Meat - apple bourbon country-style pork ribs (slow cookers seems less intimidating to me)
Veggie - mashed potatoes with side choices of fresh chives, bacon crumbles, sour cream, and cheddar cheese
Sweets - red velvet cupcakes, Starbucks Cranberry Bliss Bars
Drinks - Maybe try some Dark n' Fluffy or other mixed drinks, wine, sparkling juice for anyone not drinking (or to use as a mixer), and coffee

Think that'll be good enough? I hope it turns out all right.

Missing toddler Sky Metalwala

As we approach the weekend, I find myself pondering the case of  Sky Metalwala, who was reported missing on the morning of November 6. This coming Sunday will mark six weeks since little Sky was reported as missing by his mother, Julia Biryukova. Her story rapidly fell apart, yet there have been no new leads for weeks now. Mommy and her family still refuse to cooperate with the police. Julia seems to be in hiding. Meanwhile, Sky's Daddy is working like crazy, passing out fliers and asking businesses to display fliers in their windows. He voluntarily took two lie detector tests. He's staying in close contact with the police, answering any questions they have and seeking all sorts of ways to try and find his son. Solomon is trying to stay positive and continues to have faith that Sky will be found alive and well.

None of this makes sense to me. The last time anyone (aside from the mother and sister) saw Sky was at least two weeks prior to his disappearance. Days before his allegedly being taken from the car in which his mother had abandoned him to go get help as she had ran out of gas (although in truth the car had gas, as investigators soon learned), she and estranged husband Solomon Metalwala was in an 11-hour mediation session where they were trying to work out a mutually agreeable custody and visitation plan for Sky and big sister Mailie, age 4. Julia and Solomon had gotten in trouble a couple of years ago when they left a sleeping Sky in their car while they went inside a Target store in below freezing temperatures. They were both charged and had to attend parenting classes as a part of their punishment. Solomon has stated very clearly that it was the biggest mistake of his life and he learned from it and would never do such a thing again. Apparently Julia didn't learn her lesson, though, as is proven not only by her allegedly leaving Sky in the car on November 6, but also (in my opinion) by leaving the two children alone for about 12 hours on the day of that grueling mediation session. Otherwise, why wouldn't a babysitter come forward and say "oh, yes, of course I saw Sky just a few days before his disappearance!"?

The more we learn about Julia's past, mental health status, family of origin, and that she wanted to undo all of that work in mediation so that Solomon would never see the kids again, the more concerned I am that something happened to Sky on the day of the mediation while she'd left him alone with only a 4 year old to supervise him. Yes, 4-year-old Mailie did tell FBI agents specially trained to talk to children that Sky had been in the car "wrapped in a blanket" on that fateful Sunday morning. However, listening to Julia Biryukova's blog, it seems apparent to me that she knows very well how to talk to her children in such a way as to manipulate them and make them fear and distrust their father. I wouldn't be at all surprised if little Mailie had been told little Sky was just sleeping. Or, heaven forbid, that she was the one who'd go to jail if anyone learned that Sky was dead because it happened while she was supposed to be babysitting him. I honestly wouldn't put it past Julia to brainwash and manipulate her daughter in this way.

One bright spot in all of this is the fact that Solomon has not only finally gained full custody of Mailie, but was told that a mistake was made when the children were given to Julia back when they first started the custody battle. I just hope that mistake hasn't resulted in the death of Sky, either accidentally or at the hands of Julia. While I pray that little Sky is alive and safe and warm, as time marches on it seems less and less likely that he'll be coming home to Solomon alive. If Julia does know the whereabouts of Sky or his body, I hope that she will share that information so there can be at least closure if not a happy ending. And if she did, in fact, harm him in any way, I think death by fire ants would be too kind.

When "cutting spending" results in tragedy

As many of you know, I've been a long-time advocate of mental health issues. My ex-husband is on permanent disability due to his bipolar disorder (which was well-treated until insurances changed and he had to switch to a doctor who I personally believe is responsible for making my ex-husband into a man who can no longer work). My daughter was diagnosed with Early Onset Bipolar Disorder (NOS - Not Otherwise Specified), ADD, and other issues. I have battled with the demons known as depression and anxiety nearly as long as I can remember. I had severe postpartum mood disorders after the births of both of my children.

So believe me when I say that I feel strongly about the issues surrounding mental health insurance coverage, stigmas, access to treatment, and so on.

As someone who has worked for many years within the interests of postpartum mood disorders, I've unfortunately become familiar with those rare but tragic cases in which a mother suffering from psychosis has harmed her child. I've also tried to educate myself about other issues tied to the health and well-being of families.

A trend I've noticed getting worse in our tough economy is that there is more violence against others, both within the family and outside of the family. In so many of the cases in which someone goes on a shooting spree, or abuses a spouse, or harms a child, we find that the perpetrator of the violence is experiencing high levels of stress and very often has an untreated or poorly treated mental illness.

When so many people are struggling just to find or keep a job, struggling to feed themselves and their families, struggling to make ends meet, it seems completely irresponsible to cut funding to outreach programs, to affordable mental and physical health care, to eliminate or greatly reduce the availability of support systems in place to help the very ones who need it the most.

It seems that whenever our governments - from the national level down to the local level - need to cut spending, the first thing on the chopping block is the absolute LAST thing that should be cut. We need to encourage our leaders to offer support to those in need, not pull the rug out from under them. We need to reach out to our communities and ensure that there are options for those who are struggling financially, so that they can at least maintain their health.

Until we start making the mental health of our people a priority, start making mental health services available everywhere to everyone that needs it, we'll keep seeing a rise in crime. We'll keep reading tragic stories about parents harming or killing their children. We'll keep seeing suicides rise.

Without affordable, available mental health care, we take away what is already so hard to come by in these trying times - hope for a better tomorrow.

Doing what’s RIGHT, not just what’s “legally required”

There are some things I’ll never understand.

Trigonometry.

The fascination with “Jersey Shores”.

How anyone could catch a pedophile IN THE ACT OF ABUSING A CHILD and just walk away. Without stopping the sicko (and following up with kicking the living shit out of him). Without calling the police immediately to report the sleazebag.

Or how anyone who’d been told “I just witnessed a boy being anally raped in the shower” could refrain from calling the police immediately. Or demanding that the pedophile be held immediately legally accountable for his heinous actions. Or following up to say “hey, this guy is still around young boys, who he likes to anally rape, so why isn’t this scumbag getting a 10 inch dose of karma down at the county jail right now?”

Or how people can be so enamored with a sports team or a school or an individual that they will riot and destroy property, while failing to consider that the issue at stake is that YOUNG CHILDREN were victimized, failing to consider that the children who were victimized are older now and are watching while those who were in a position of authority are somehow transformed into heroes by, at best, misguided protesters.

I’m talking, of course, about the story out of Penn State this week. Maybe it’s because I’m a parent. Maybe it’s because I couldn’t care less about sports. Or maybe I just have the life experience that those rioting college kids don’t yet have, the experience that prevents me from feeling invincible and untouchable. Maybe it’s because I’ve had my own experiences with being victimized by adults who knew what they did was wrong and horrible, and I can’t help but empathize with the children who were preyed upon by a pedophile in a position of trust and power.

All I DO know is that I feel rage – white-hot, pure rage – when I think about how badly the victims (the children who were abused are the ONLY victims, by the way – not some awesome coach or some school’s reputation) were failed by the adults who they relied upon to protect them.

It really should go without saying, but apparently it needs to be said, taught to teachers and coaches and administrators, written by a skywriter, posted in every office and locker room, and so on. In case anyone, aside from the pedophile and all of his enablers and accomplices, needs to have some clarification, I thought it’d be helpful to put this out there in no uncertain terms.

IF YOU SEE OR KNOW ABOUT A CHILD BEING ABUSED:

1)      Call the police

2)      Tell everyone related to the abuser – his bosses, his co-workers, his family and friends – that he is an abuser and should not be around children under any circumstances

3)      Call the police again to follow-up

4)      Tell the parents of the children you know have been abused about what you’ve witnessed

5)      Help the parents press for criminal charges, find mental health services for the children, or anything else that may be needed in order to help and support the children who were victimized

6)      If the bosses, police, or others in authority don’t take swift and definitive action, call the damned press and have THEM lean on whoever in authority needs to be leaned on to do the right thing

7)      Did I mention calling the police?

Really, how hard is this to wrap your head around?

What horrific things must people in the sports world be caught doing in order for them to stop getting a free pass? Apparently, if you want to get away with rape, pedophilia, driving drunk, fighting dogs, spousal abuse or any other illegal offense, being in the realm of sports is the right career for you. As long as you can help lead a team to victory, by all means, let’s turn a blind eye to any unsavory behavior for which you may be responsible. As long as you bring in a lot of revenue for your school or organization, feel free to be as reprehensible of an excuse for a person possible.

It’s shameful that anyone would dare to say “aww, poor staff members who’ve lost their jobs”, while there have been (so far) EIGHT VICTIMS who have come forward to say they felt powerless against an adult in whom they and their families placed their trust. Statistically speaking, how many more victims have yet to report their sexual abuse? And how many more will never speak up, but will live with the fallout of being a victim of sexual abuse?

My health and how it impacts my life

I know this starts out on a low note, but gets uplifting at the end. I promise!

My health impacts my family every day.

My kids already know that Mom is going to say "maybe" or "we'll see" no matter what they ask to do later in the day or the week. They know this because they've had to live with a Mom who has fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, persistent nerve damage in my foot, and a tendency to pick up things like sinus infections and colds thanks to the compromised immune system that can be a part of the fibromyalgia package. They know that in the morning I may talk about what I'd love to make for dinner that evening, may even go to the store and get the ingredients, but by dinner time I will likely be unable to do the task and it'll be "fix your own dinner night"...again. I've missed most of my son's ballgames and martial arts events. I don't sign up to volunteer for school things because I know I can't be reliable. 

My husband and I don't get to do many things together because so often I just don't have it in me to go anywhere or do anything. He often is the one who has to take care of things like laundry and cooking, because I can't lift the laundry basket or stand in the kitchen for more than a few minutes at a time. I've nearly given up even daydreaming about getting a job - I wouldn't let anyone hire me, because I know I couldn't be counted on to be at the job at a given time on a given day - so I can't contribute to the family's finances. (I can, however, contribute to it's expenditures thanks to frequent doctor visits and approximately a metric ton of medication I take on a daily basis.)

My health impacts my friendships, too. My brain still believes I can move quickly and efficiently, but my body has other plans for me. This results in my often being late to pretty much everything. I've set the clock in my car about nine minutes fast to try to trick myself and get places faster. I have gotten to the point that I respond to most every party or gathering with a "maybe", because I just can't know whether I'll be mobile two weeks from now - I can't even predict how I'll be two HOURS from now - and I know that must be so frustrating to the person hosting the event. I want to be able to help my friends when they need it - help them move to a new place, or bring over some food or flowers when they're feeling under the weather - but I know when I say "let me know if there's anything I can do" that it probably rings hollow. There are so many fun things that crop up - day trips and live comedy and such - and I feel guilty every time I RSVP with that "maybe", every time I DO go but feel like I'm holding others back from doing all they wanted to do. 

Ultimately, when I'm having bad days (and they seem to be more and more frequent each passing year), it's hard for me to be with the people I care about and do the things I want to do for them. It's hard to admit to myself how bad things are getting, to accept it all. My mind still wants to push the belief that I'm okay, that I can make plans, do things. My body just isn't on board with that at all.

Aside from everyone else, my health impacts ME.

I've always wanted to go back to school, and I've put it off and put it off. Now, though, I just don't think I have the mental ability to retain what I hear, to learn things and process them. There's no way I can be certain I'll have the energy or ability to walk to different classes. Even if it was an online learning situation, I don't know if I have the ability to concentrate and focus enough to consistently complete assignments.

I have so many things I want to just be able to get up and do. I want to paint the little entryway a different color. I want to organize my office/craft room so I can sew and scrapbook and read. I want to be able to plan a meal and actually cook everything I'd planned to cook. I want to be able to stand at the sink and wash all the stuff that isn't supposed to go in the dishwasher. I want to be able to do a load of my laundry and put it away all in the same day. I want to be able to go places with my friends and be on time. I want to be able to RSVP with a "yes" and be able to follow through with it. I want to clean out the garage and clean out the clutter from the house and have a big garage sale. I want to be able to clean my house enough that I'm not ashamed to have people over. I want to be able to host a game night or a movie night. 

I want to feel better. It's why I keep my eye out for studies to participate in - so that maybe I can help researchers figure out what fibromyalgia is all about and find reliable treatments. I want to be able to think clearly and remember things.

When my pain levels are on the high end, day in and day out, it's so hard to be positive. It's so easy for that negative self-talk to creep in and take hold. During the worst of it, I worry about everything. I feel useless and worthless and hopeless when I'm in constant pain at a high level for days on end. Am I developing alzheimer's or is it just "fibro fog" that's got me thinking fuzzy? Do I actually have a terminal illness they just haven't discovered yet? If this is how I feel at 40, will I be able to function at all 20 or 30 years from now? If I'll be hurting this bad for the rest of my life, will I have to exist like this or worse for 20 years or more? Will my friends tire of my inability to do things and stop inviting me altogether? Has my inability to do things harmed my kids in some way? Will my family finally realize how much I hold them back and move on without me? Will my body always feel more like a prison than a temple?

So I try. I push myself to go out and do things if I'm able to move at all - even if it results in my being pretty much glued to the bed for days afterwards. I enjoy being with the wonderful group of friends I've got here, so I'll do my dead level best to hang out with them. I love going to sci-fi conventions and the like, so I'll go ahead and get a pass, even if it means I just find a room to sit in the whole day and not looking around and seeing lots of different things. I get online and research things, because I love to learn even if I don't retain it. I love doing things with my family, so I'll go to the fair with them even though I'll wind up planting myself in a chair somewhere while they go on rides and play games - I'll be "home base", a place to check in or drop off things they've bought or won. I'll keep daydreaming about going to school, and getting a job, and being a provider. I'll keep trying to clean the house, even if I only get one tiny task done. 

I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up the things I love or the people I love just because my body is falling apart. I'm going to keep trying, keep fighting, keep hoping, keep praying. I'm going to try to remember and live with the grace my Dad showed throughout the pain and suffering he endured in his last years. The scene of his lying in his recliner, eyes closed, clearly in pain, and saying "thank you, Lord" on every exhale sticks with me. It reminds me to be grateful for everything, even the pain, because it let's me know I'm still alive. I'm still here in the world with my family and my friends, able to enjoy them and love them and cherish them. And that's something worth fighting for.

The WriteRunner: Writers Digest ’11 Conference Report

The WriteRunner: Writers Digest ’11 Conference Report

My husband, an aspiring author, wrote about his experience this weekend in which he traversed the country to attend a writer's conference. It's pretty darn exciting! :)

Tragedy in Tuscon - gun violence, politics, and mental illness

It's taken me a few days to try and process my feelings about the violence that erupted when 22 year old Jared Loughner opened fire in a grocery store parking lot on January 8, 2011, wounding 14, including Democratic Representative Gabrielle Giffords, who remains in critical condition, and killing six.


This is such a complex issue. Whether politics was to blame, both the right and left are using this as a springboard to either deny any responsibility for the hateful rhetoric being cast around or to point fingers and lay blame. People for and against tightening of gun laws are using this tragedy to "support" their arguments. And many people are asking "why was this obviously mentally unstable young man not somehow treated and prevented from doing what he did?".


I'll try to tackle these three issues as best I can, but it's just not as cut-and-dried as we'd like, to be honest.


Politics, Rhetoric, and the Social Climate We Live In Today


While it's true that just because someone like Sarah Palin has targets over the politicians with whom she disagrees on her website, it's also true that she didn't actually commit this heinous crime personally. Glenn Beck spouting his beliefs doesn't equate to someone acting violently. However, when a person in a position of power (a politician, a television or radio personality, a popular musician, and so on), they MUST remember that words have an impact. Words have POWER. The Becks and Palins of the world have got to understand that they have a responsibility to not just their fans or supporters, but to the society as a whole.*


What good can possibly come from anger, from fear-mongering, from putting all of this negativity out there about our fellow Americans, our fellow human beings? Why not use those public voices to truly try to build bridges rather than tear them down, to work together for the good of the entire country and its citizens? Maybe they all just need to read and adhere to the concepts of this article, and learn how to fight in a way that actually accomplishes something, solves something.


When Rush Limbaugh uses this tragedy to say things like Democrats seek to profit from the shooting and that Jared Lee Loughner has the "full support" of Democrats, I have to wonder if anyone truly even WANTS to make things better, or if they just thrive on the drama and the chaos, the American public be damned.


Furthermore, while they are not directly responsible for the actions of one individual, they should at the very least have the decency to apologize for the possibility that their words or deeds might have influenced anyone to commit a violent act. Instead, some of them seem to fall back onto more finger-pointing, more rhetoric, more incendiary speeches and actions.


* I realize that both sides do this. It just happens that with the current political situation it's the right's turn to create this chaos.


The Right to Bear Arms


Gun ownership is another hot-button issue, with strong feelings of what's right and fair. In the aftermath of these sorts of violent events, the whole gun control conversation heats up. Some call for restrictions on certain types of guns or ammunition. Some call for tighter control over who can legally purchase a weapon. You may hear comments like "we should all have guns so we can take out guys like these", calling for what is essentially vigilante justice. You also might hear "only cops, soldiers, and other such people should have guns". There are plenty of variations on the theme from one extreme to the other.


Apparently, reacting in fear among gun buyers that changes in the current laws may be coming, gun sales in Arizona and other states have increased dramatically. Meanwhile, people like the folks at the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence are actively working on making it more difficult to obtain and carry firearms in an effort to reduce gun violence.


While our Constitutional rights must be protected and upheld, it's hard to argue against tightened security measures for gun sales when you look at 9 year old victim Christina-Taylor Green, who was interested in becoming a politician herself one day. 


Mental Illness, Personal Rights, and the Law


As we learn more about Jared Loughner, it becomes apparent to many of us that he was an increasingly mentally unstable young man. The community college from which he was suspended has released records that highlight the troubles he had while attending. According to friends from his youth and neighbors, his home life was one that became isolated over time. Even strangers on a message board urged Loughner to seek help.


It's important to note that not all violent people have mental illnesses, and not all people with a mental illness are violent. It's easy to say "he's clearly crazy, so why wasn't he locked up?", but it's much more of a complex situation with a much more complicated solution. Should we really consider locking people up because they might one day "snap"? Isn't that a slippery slope to start down?


Everyone, including the mentally ill, have rights. The law is such that an adult cannot be involuntarily committed unless it's determined the person is an immediate danger to himself or others. Once upon a time, the mentally ill were stashed away in institutions. Nowadays, there are laws to protect civil rights - laws that can be frustrating when trying to have an adult involuntarily committed.


This sort of violent act leads to the question of whether, and how, should mental health care practices change. During a time when so many people are without jobs, when many insurance companies refuse to cover mental health treatment, and budget cuts from the local to national level limit the resources available to this segment of the country, it's hard to see how we can keep people from falling through the cracks. We must address the fact that we don't currently have adequate resources.


As a side note, I feel it important to mention that the National Alliance on Mental Illness not only functions to advocate for the mentally ill and their families. NAMI also provides information and support to individuals and families dealing with mental illness. If you or a loved one is struggling, please contact them.


Now What?


We, as a nation and as individuals, have some thinking to do.


What do we want to do in terms of our future as a country? Do we really want to keep on going down the path we're on - one of suspicion and vitriol, one in which nothing seems to get accomplished aside from a lot of fighting and not a lot of moving towards something better? Do we want to support the people who seem to want nothing more than to stir things up?


In terms of gun ownership, do we want more or less restrictions for those who want to purchase a weapon? Do we want to allow just anyone to have certain types of ammunition, or to restrict it to police and the like, or to ban it altogether? Do we want to require not only background criminal checks, but also checks for any history of personal or mental health issues? Do we want to insist that gun safety classes be a requirement for owning a weapon?


As for mental illness, do we insist on more funding, more resources and more afford-ability for everyone who needs treatment? Do we accept that some of this funding might necessitate a hike in our taxes? Do we lobby to have the rights of the mentally ill destroyed so that we can more easily have them forcibly institutionalized?


Ultimately, this is OUR country. Yours and mine. Ultimately, it's OUR voice, OUR support, and OUR money that decides the future of this nation. The big question is, will we strive for a better tomorrow by addressing the issues of today?


Our current President Barack Obama has encouraged civility in the wake of this tragedy. Will we be civil as a nation, or will we continue to up the rhetoric ante on both sides until we self-destruct?

Something pretty personal - miscarriage

I'm lucky to have two relatively healthy, happy kids.

My daughter, Emily, has grown into an incredibly artistic and intelligent young lady at 16 years old. My son, Noah, is 11 and already showing glances of the kind, smart young man he will be some day.

Two children - one girl and one boy. A husband. A dog. It's the perfect family.

However, there should have been three children.

I was very sick during both of my pregnancies, and my doctors used ultrasounds at about 13 weeks to see if it was just one little peanut in there making mommy so ill. Emily was the only troublemaker in the womb. Noah, though, had a twin. At this early stage, the amniotic sac was visible for both, but his potential twin was already being absorbed into my body.

Logically, I knew that this was nature's way of saying "this fetus isn't viable". Logically, I knew that having twins would've been a difficult path. But emotionally, it was hard to handle. When we got home from the ultrasound that night, my husband and I lit a candle. He said a prayer for the little spirit that wouldn't be growing inside me. We cried.

And we moved on. We had to - there was still one baby on the way, still a little girl to care for, still life going on all around us.

I think it would've been so much harder had it been a single pregnancy and I'd miscarried. I know so many women who've endured miscarriage, and I know it's something they never fully get over.

I guess what's bringing this up is revisiting some of my ancestry information, and looking over the family history of my husband. There are entries for infants who were born and died on the same day, of children who died so very young. So I have been thinking of the little twin that never was, wondering if it would've been a girl or a boy, what she or he would've been like, how all our lives would've been different. Wondering about this third child is the only thing that ever makes me think, for the briefest of moments, about trying for one more.

Then I consider the fact that our family is pretty complete just the way we are, and I remember how horrible my body responds to pregnancy, and the horrors of postpartum depression and anxiety.

Time mutes the hurt, but I don't think time will ever erase it.

TSA and their "enhanced pat-downs"

FOURTH AMENDMENT 
'The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.'


There's been a great deal of controversy in the news regarding the new security measures the Transportation Security Agency has put in place at airports across the nation. The TSA has a blog post about one part of the new procedures, entitled "Enhanced pat-downs".

Here's one commenter's question and comment:

Very simple question: Does TSA pat-down training involve placing of the hands in any position where contact with the breasts, vagina, penis or scrotum will occur?

Regardless of intent, if the screener does not ASK and OBTAIN verbal or written permission prior to making contact with the genitals, a sexual assault has taken place. That is the law in all 50 states.

You see, while there is a blog that one would think might explain the procedure, it essentially just says "yeah, so this is the thing we're doing. Don't worry. We're cool." Others may disagree.

The following is a response I wrote for the TSA blog "Enhanced pat-downs". I thought I'd post it here just in case it didn't get approved by the moderators. Oh, and I'm not making up the name Rapiscan - that's the ACTUAL name. Wonder if it's pronounced "rape-i-scan".

TSA needs to give a VERY SPECIFIC, step-by-step description of the new "enhanced pat-down" procedure on the official TSA website. I want to read the truth of what one can expect if one "opts out" of the Rapiscan in explicit detail. It might read something like this.:

First, we will have you stand with your legs spread. Then, we will touch the inner and outer areas of your ankles, calves, thighs, buttocks and genitals. We will continue by touching your torso, including your breasts. If you have big breasts, we will lift them up so we can feel under them. We may squeeze your breasts "for the sake of security" as well. We will intimately touch your face and hair. We don't know why in the hell we have to caress your face, but the boss is making us do it, so there you go. If you are a child, you are not exempt from our touching you intimately. 

We will essentially touch you in ways that, were we someone else, anywhere else, we would be arrested for assault. However, we are above the law here at the airport security line, and cannot be charged with sexual assault.

Furthermore, if you refuse to let us fondle your "private" areas, you will not only be unable to proceed to your flight, you are also required to not leave until we allow you to do so. And even when you leave with some of us escorting you, we can fine you. 

Really, we just want everyone to be safe. We don't care if you are traumatized. We don't care that you are losing your freedoms as an American citizen. George W. Bush put this in place so 9/11 could never happen again, and even though technically we really haven't stopped any terrorists with these procedures we will keep tightening security until the airlines go out of business because no one wants the hassle and the indignity of going through security. And in that way, we will ensure our safety. No operating planes means nobody can hijack planes. So see? We WILL win the war against terror! Huzzah!

So what do YOU think of the new scanning machines? Of the enhanced pat-downs? Have you seen any of the footage of the toddler getting a pat-down? How do you feel about the prospect of you or someone you love getting essentially sexually assaulted?

Fat - the last "acceptable" prejudice?

The interwebs are all abuzz about a recent blog on the Marie Claire magazine website. Go read it before continuing - it will help you understand just WHY there has been such an uproar.

There have been many VERY good counter blogs, including ones at Fatshionista, The Polymath Chronicals, and Blogger Body Calendar.

There have also been bloggers who've written, essentially, "it's not okay to make fat people feel bad, BUT being fat is a bad thing". I don't think the latter group of bloggers truly GET IT.  In these sorts of blogs I've read lines like "obesity is a death sentence". (Hint: LIVING is a death sentence, as death is the natural conclusion to life.) People have blamed fat on everything from asthma to strokes. According to the Mayo Clinic website, obesity is a risk factor for stroke. However, so are things like a family history of strokes, being in your mid-50s or older, smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke, heart defects or infections, and using birth control pills or hormone therapies that include estrogen. The Mayo Clinic site lists factors beyond obesity for asthma such as being a smoker, being exposed to secondhand smoke, having a mother who smoked while pregnant, and having a blood relative with the disease. So yes, obesity is on the list for these and other conditions. But it is by no means necessarily THE CAUSE.

Fat has become the last "acceptable" prejudice. I've no doubt in my mind if one substituted a race or religion or sexual orientation in the place of the word "fat", Marie Claire would NOT have okay'ed that blog to be published online.

I have pretty intimate knowledge of how it feels to be FAT. I have also been, at my anorexic thinnest, practically skeletal. So I know, without any doubts, that thin and fat people ARE treated differently in a myriad of ways.

I know what it's like to diet healthfully (portion control, making healthy food choices). I know what it's like to do fad diets. I know what it's like to use diet pills. At one point in my life I lived, or should I say "existed", on a handful of crackers a day! I know what it's like to exercise for 2 to 4 hours daily. To the people who say fat people have no self control, I offer up all the people who've subsisted on the grapefruit diet, the vinegar diet, and so on. Of all the people on the planet, those who've dieted - seriously dieted - have more self-control and willpower than anyone else I can think of, frankly.

My sister-in-law wrote a blog about all of this hubbub, too. She asks "Obesity: are we too accepting?" The content is well-written and comes from her heart, but I've got to admit, as much as I'm okay with myself "as-is" these days, the title set my teeth on edge as memories of the "acceptance" I've experienced in my life washed over me.

I remember walking down main street as a teenager and a pickup truck with a few boys drove by. They stuck their heads out the window to oink and moo at me.
I remember many of the times I was told - by family, by people I knew, and by strangers - that I had such a pretty face, and I'd be pretty if only I lost weight.
I remember asking people to accept that disparaging talk about size was not a topic that was okay with me, only to have them recount a story about a disgusting fat person daring to eat in public, in a restaurant, where people would have to witness this fat person eating. Eeew.
I've felt the sting of having to look for clothing in a department store whose plus size section was a couple of racks hidden in a corner, lest the thin people see us fatties shopping.
I still remember being in a maternity store who proudly claimed having "plus sizes" available, learning that their definition of plus size meant a very small selection of barely 1x items. (I was so frustrated I loudly proclaimed as I left the store "apparently fat people don't have sex and make babies!".)
I know what it's like to walk into places like Victoria's Secret and have the clerks look at you as if you were crazy to enter their domain. Of course, Vicki's "Secret" is that she doesn't make clothes for fatties.
I know what it's like for a child to point and say "Mommy, why is she so fat", and hear the mother respond with something like "because she eats too much".

On the other side of the coin, I remember the beginnings of my anorexia, when I honestly just skipped lunch so I could pocket the lunch money. I lost a few pounds for skipping meals, and I got praised for my "hard work to lose that fat". Upon finally getting praise instead of criticism, I started skipping breakfast. Then I started skipping dinner. I got down to a size 11/12, which would STILL be considered borderline overweight for my height of 5'11". I remember how it felt to go into a store and not have to ask where they'd hidden the bigger sizes. Where I'd been either invisible or the target of cruelty when I was fat, my newer, thinner, starved and sick self was suddenly a person of worth.

So, no, I DON'T think we're too accepting of obesity. Some airlines want to charge me for a second seat, even though I can still fit my fat ass into their tiny seats. I can still be discriminated against when looking for work based on my size. I can still go into a doctor's office with a medical complaint such as a sore elbow, and come away with (yet another) admonition to lose weight. Kids still deal with bullying, teasing and shunning if they are fat. Many of them consider suicide, because (news flash) diets don't work. (I certainly considered suicide as a fat kid, because the teasing felt so relentless and the prospect of losing weight seemed so hopeless.)

People need to understand something very important. Fat does NOT necessarily equal unhealthy or inactive. Fat definitely does NOT equal unworthy or unacceptable. I know what it's like to CRAVE seeing people on television and in movies and in magazines that represent the real America I live in. I crave an honest media where people come in all shapes and sizes and races and religions and so on and so on. I long for a day when a size 2 actress doesn't get called fat because she's become a size 4, for heaven's sake! (And while we're on the subject, what the hell is up with size 0? Are we telling those women that strive for a size 0 that they are striving to be invisible?)

Are we promoting or okay-ing obesity if we show on television and in magazines the actual variety of humanity? Is it better to have ribcage and hip-bone showing models on the covers of magazines that our girls will see and try to attain in spite of their genetics or their health? Does having a fat person on a magazine cover or a television show mean that chubby little kids everywhere will start to scarf down whole pizzas? Maybe, just maybe, showing a variety of shapes and sizes on television and in movies and in magazines won't "encourage" obesity or anorexia or any sort of disordered thinking at all. MAYBE if we had a slice of real, attainable, average people in the media, more young people would grow up realizing that we come in all shapes and sizes and colors and THAT IS NORMAL AND OKAY.

There are people who are very thin and can't gain weight despite their best efforts. There are fat people who can't lose weight. And, GASP, there are fat and thin and in-between people who like themselves JUST THE WAY THEY ARE, too.

The author of the blog that started it all has stated that she's a recovered anorexic, and that certainly does help understand why she personally has such an aversion to fat people. (It doesn't excuse her cruel words, of course, but does offer some insight.) My hope is that she will get into therapy, as she very obviously has a lot of disordered thinking in terms of bodies and health.

Sadly, however, that doesn't explain the overt exclusion and bigotry towards fat people in the "real world".

Clearly, the blog resonated with a lot of people. The last time I checked, her blog had around 1,950 comments, and I'm sure the number will grow. So perhaps good has come from this whole debacle. Perhaps people will evaluate their own thoughts, acknowledge their own prejudices, educate themselves, and act kindly towards others regardless of size.

Are you prejudiced against people of size? If so, what will you do to improve yourself and address your personal bigotries?

Big fundraising push for my sister's medical expenses

So far using the ChipIn! widget on the side of this blog, I've raised $330 to go towards my sister's medical expenses, and a friend mailed a check for $25. That's a total of $355 so far. I recently found out that friends and family back home in Tennessee are holding a benefit for her on November 6. I'd LOVE to be able to send her a check for $500 that she could open at or before the benefit.

Can you help reach that goal?

If you do not do any online banking, you are welcome to mail a check to me at the following address:

Tonya Rosenberg
P.O. Box 611
Issaquah, WA 98027-0023

Please put "Loretta's Medical Bills" in the memo line.

**UPDATE: October 24**

Sissy has had her first chemo treatment. Apparently she had a pretty adverse reaction (like an allergic reaction) and is not feeling well. The next treatment is November 8, two days after the scheduled benefit.

For those of you in Tennessee - my family and friends still in McMinnville - here is the basic info that I have regarding the benefit:

For Loretta Lynn Ritchey's expenses related to breast cancer
Place: Centertown Community Center
Dinner plates will be served starting at 5:00pm
There will also be an auction. If you have any goods or services you could donate for the auction, please get in touch and I'll help you get connected with our Mom.

News about my sister's cancer & related struggles

My sister is recovering well from her breast cancer surgery and her hysterectomy. Health-wise, it seems like good news at this point in terms of those issues.

Of course she will always have to deal with her fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, peripheral neuropathy, and so on. This will impact her ability to obtain and hold a job once her best friend (for whom she currently works as her health allows) retires and closes the business at the end of this month. My big sister (Loretta or Lynn to some, but Sissy to me) is someone who I've always looked up to. She has always been a strong, independent person - someone who I always thought would always find a way to land on her feet. She has always worked SO HARD. She always did her best to help others, and it's been hard for her to accept help. Sissy thinks she's supposed to be the helper, not the one needing to accept help.

I've been working on trying to raise some money online for Sissy to use for her medical expenses, and so far I've raised $355 ($330 from the ChipIn! widget on the right side of this page, and $25 sent as a check). Today Mom told me that they are having a benefit for Sissy on my birthday, November 6. I'd love to raise some more money for her by November 1 so I can send it to her by the date of the benefit.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Would you consider donating some funds directly for use by someone who just had breast cancer surgery and radiation?

If you do not have the ability to do online donations via ChipIn!, you can absolutely send a check. You can make it out me, or you can put her name on it and I can include it with the other funds in the card I'll be sending. Just contact me and I will give you my mailing address privately.

Thank you so much!

I love the 80s!

My 40th birthday is coming up, and it's making me relive some of (the cool parts) of my youth. Specifically, I'm reminiscing about television, movies and music from the 1980s.

Do you have favorite things you remember from that decade? Toys, games, technology, music, television shows, movies, clothing styles, etc. are all fair game.

Updates on my sister

I'll be posting updates on this blog in the form of replies. You are welcome to add your own replies if you like, of course.


I just got off the phone with my Mom.

Sissy has finished the radiation from her breast cancer removal surgery. Apparently they put some sort of balloon in the place where the cancer in her breast was removed, and then were able to administer radiation treatment twice a day for five days through that. I don't really understand all that, but I will research it.

This Friday Sissy is having another surgery, this surgery being a complete hysterectomy. The tumor on her ovary is about the size of an apple. Mom doesn't know if it's also cancerous, but hopefully I'll know more when I talk to her on Sunday.

Apparently she's been unable to have any bowel movements for a while. They have been giving her stool softeners, but so far she doesn't even have the urge to go. She is supposed to be "cleaned out" by Friday morning's surgery, so if there's still no movement I don't know what will happen. It's possible she'll have to have surgery to take care of impacted bowels, maybe? I don't know.

On the up side (or what I'm choosing to latch onto as an up side, at least), she's going to have the surgery at Baptist Hospital in Nashville. Not only is this a good hospital, it is where her life was saved back in 1973.

You see, when she was pregnant with my nephew she was VERY sick. She had hyperemesis (think of it as 24/7 morning sickness, but like a bad stomach flu where NOTHING stays down). If you can't keep food or water in your body at all, you can die - and a doctor at Baptist saved her life, and my nephew's life, by finally finding medicine that allowed her to stop throwing up.

Here's where the hopefulness, the belief and faith that maybe there are miracles, comes in. As it turns out, the oncologist gynecologist is the doctor WHO REPLACED THE ONE WHO SAVED HER when he retired! Maybe it's just coincidence. But we NEED something to cling to, some hope that there is something bigger than us at work, and that it's working in a wonderful, healing way in her life right now.

Please help my big sister

My sister is 16 years older than me. She's had to become a very strong lady as life has thrown more than a fair share of curve balls her way.

I can remember watching her dig for potatoes in our garden when, as a single parent, she was struggling to make ends meet. I know for a fact there were many times she literally went hungry to ensure my nephew would have food to eat.

As a teenager, I remember getting a call late one evening from her, hysterical and in tears. Her second husband (who was, I truly believe, her soul mate) had died from a heart attack, and she couldn't save him. It nearly broke her.

A few years back her last marriage ended in such a devastating way that I honestly had to pray all the time because I feared she might take her own life. He was simply that horrible to her.

She's struggled with fibromyalgia for a long time now, as well as neuropathy. A few years back she had to have carpel tunnel surgeries on both hands. Then she contracted the MRSA virus.

Through it all, she has remained as hard a worker as her health would allow (frankly, MORE than it should allow, but she's a stubborn fighter).

Now she faces another health challenge. During a recent routine mammogram they discovered cancer. She's gone through surgery to have the mass removed, along with two lymph nodes. She's about to start radiation treatment. Various cancers are prevalent in our family. We lost our Dad, Pa, and and uncle to prostate cancer. We've also lost grandparents and cousins to cancers. To hear the 'C' word in conjunction with my sister is a terrifying thing.

She works for a friend who'll be retiring in October - someone who knows that some days her health keeps her homebound, someone who wouldn't fire her for missing work. At 56 years old, with poor health, finding a new job will be difficult. Finding one with a boss who won't penalize her for her health seems impossible.

Her medical bills are already outrageous, and with radiation, follow-ups, etc., it's only going to grow.

She is a strong, independent, and proud woman. It's always been easier for her to do things for herself than to accept help. However, as her sister I can't sit by and do nothing. So, friends and family, I humbly ask for help for my sister. Some of you may know her personally. Many of you may not. But ALL of you who help - even if it's only to pray or send healing vibes her way - are SO very appreciated.

My convention checklist

Since it's almost time for San Diego Comic Con, I thought it'd be good to revisit this blog post. PLEASE feel free to add your suggestions, as this post was originally written more for the average convention rather than a BIG con like SDCC.

I attended my first convention way back in 1998, when I flew from TN to St. Louis for a Hercules/Xena convention. That was also the first time I boarded an airplane, come to think of it!

Since then, I've attended quite a few more conventions. Along the way I've developed a sort of system that works for me, and I thought I'd blog about it in case some of you aren't con vets and need a few handy hints from the trenches.

My list of must-haves:

1. CASH! Yes, most venues has an ATM on-site or nearby, but the lines can be worse than the ones for popular panels and autographs. At larger conventions I've witnessed ATMs running out of cash, too. Some vendors will accept plastic, but EVERYONE takes cash.
2. A comfortable backpack is a must for conventions. Make sure it's roomy enough to put any purchases, freebies and such that you'll accumulate throughout the day.
3. A three-ring-binder is my most important bring-along item! I always have a few sheets of notebook paper, several sheet protectors, a trading card protector sheet, and a zippered pencil pouch. The pouch always has a couple of pens and pencils, a highlighter as well as Sharpies in black and silver (sometimes I'll toss a red and a blue in there, too). If you collect autographs at all, you'll be VERY glad you brought these items. The sheet protectors and trading card protector sheet are perfect for keeping those autographed photos and cards from getting crumpled or smudged. The paper is great for taking notes during panels, doodling when you're bored in line, and such.
4. Water and a couple of snacks are things I really can't recommend enough. If food is available for con attendees, I can guarantee they will be marked up like crazy. Not to mention, it's easy to get overheated or have your blood sugar bottom out when you're on the go for hours on end. So be sure you pack some sustenance - trust me on this one.
5. Comfortable clothes and shoes, and a spare pair of socks. Yes, you might look stunning when you first arrive, but after several hours of walking around, being jostled by crowds, experiencing the heat that hundreds or thousands of bodies can produce in an enclosed space, the LAST thing you'll care about is how adorable those new high heels look with your outfit. So dress with comfort in mind. (Trust me, though, you can definitely look sexy AND be comfy.)
6. A camera is something you may or may not use, but it's a good idea to have one on hand. Don't forget extra batteries for it, too.
7. Since there are lots of great posters (many free) available at conventions, bring a poster tube to keep your new posters wrinkle- and fold-line-free.

A few extras you may want to shove into the backpack:

• over-the-counter pain medicine, such as Tylenol or Advil
• mouthwash, breath mints, or a couple of those little disposable toothbrushes
• (for the ladies) a spare couple of tampons or pads. Even if it's not your special time of the month, it's entirely possible you'll get to play the hero for a panicked, less-prepared person in the ladies room.
• sketch pad - sometimes artists will do a little sketch for you and sign it, which is always cool
• charger for your cell phone - in your down time you may plop down near an outlet. This is especially useful if you're also live Tweeting or blogging from the con.
• your laptop. This one's a fairly individual choice, and depends on whether you mind the extra weight as well as whether you'll actually use it at the con.
• small gifts for your favorite convention guests. Again, this is an individual choice. I like to stock up with candy to pass out, as sometimes the guests don't even have time to grab a bite to eat. 

Finally, there's something else I like to do prior to a convention. I like to go to the convention's website and review the list of guests. I like to familiarize myself with the folks who'll be there so I'll have at least some idea of who they are and what they're "known for". 

Once I get to the convention, my first order of business after getting through the door (which is, in itself, sometimes quite the ordeal) is to look at the program and use my highlighter to mark the things I most want to do so that I can plan the rest of my day around those "must see" moments. I'm also mindful to try and get to the room for more popular panels WELL in advance of the panel's scheduled start, because I've seen rooms fill up and people who've been waiting in line for ages are turned away. Find out whether the con you're attending clears the room after each panel, or allows people to stay in the room from one panel to the next. Some people have no problem camping out in a spot and staying there through several panels that don't interest them just so they can have a good seat for the one they DO care about.

The second order of business is to find out which booths are having freebie giveaways, locate them on the convention floor map (if provided), and plan out my route so that I can use my time efficiently and have a decent shot at collecting my most-coveted goodies.

Thirdly, I check out the photo-op schedules and highlight the ones I most want to do. Some guests will have a few different photo-op times available, but other guests may be there for a very limited time and have only one photo-op on the schedule.

All in all, conventions can be TONS of fun. My best advice would be to enjoy yourself, relax, and remember that the convention guests are people just like you. Treat them with respect, of course, but don't build them up to some god or goddess type status. If you just treat them like the real people they are, you might even get to hang out at the bar with them or find yourself involved in a really cool conversation with them. If you need a time-out to de-stress, take that time-out rather than push yourself beyond your limits.

Overall, the goal is to have a fun, exciting, enjoyable experience. I hope this will help you achieve that goal.